Continuity Continuity Continuity…
Within the past four weeks I have noticed stability with my emotions. I have been more calm and relaxed. Why is this so? I’ve been taming my excitement. Every week there is something new in store for me. Whether it’s a new guy interested in dating me, meeting new friends, visiting new homes, discovering new adventures, or even getting something new for myself such as shots on my camera. There’s always something to look forward to. However, I have learned not to put all my hopes into whatever is to come. I am caging the excitement, and throwing away the key as I said to Todd.
Before I had a very strange philosophy about the men I dated. I used to think whoever was dating me at the time is significant to my life for a certain reason. Then after dating some fucking idiots, I came to a realization that some of the guys I date will mean nothing to me at all. I must say that I have learned a bit more about myself with some of them, but then I also think that I have wasted time with a lot of them, but not too much time. It is okay to me, because I am human and humans make mistakes. I try not to repeat my mistakes, and my therapist has noticed progress in my choices. It is still a work in progress. I think I am a fast learner, and I’m getting the best help in the world.
Some mistakes such as infidelity, badgering, hoping that they’re the one I choose not to repeat. It’s finally sticking to me that I am nineteen years old. I raised my standards with who I choose to date, and I am very impressed of what my possibilities are now. I should be dating a lot of people, and if something comes around then just have fun with it. No more expectations. I am getting closer to what is ideal to me. I just have to mention that one date took me on my first motorcycle ride. It was so much fun, and I didn’t pay for shit. Just how it should be!
I am always thinking about something. There are so many things going through my mind that it’s hard to focus on certain things I want to do. I know I can learn whatever I want to, but I have to have it all sorted it out on how I will learn it. I need to make a plan. I know bits of classical piano songs, and it is time to learn them in whole. That takes a lot repetition since it’s visual learning. But more than possible if acquired to a schedule.
I have a lot of interest in languages. I am currently bilingual with Spanish as my second language. However I know the basics in Tagalog, bits of German, French, Italian, and Korean now. I want to be able to understand the language. I am surrounded with such a great diversity. I can easily ask my friends to teach me, and that’s what they have been doing. I know a gay nurse who know four languages, and he if can do it then I sure can. I need to focus on one. I am not sure which one to choose.
Then I have one documentary that I have started working on. I love the idea of this video, and when I did my first interview my heart felt uplifted. I need to do so many other documentaries. I want to do it now, but I have nothing planned. I believe I need to push myself. Beside everything, it only takes about thirty minutes to shoot. It could also take up the whole day if it’s a friend of mine, and we want to hang out. I need to do that before the election to give people a better understanding of gay people to help benefit Obama. Ideally, I want this video to go viral, but it has to be perfect before it does. I am going to make my friends look so beautiful.
In order to make this video I am in need of a microphone that can connect to my camera, because I need their voice to be heard clearly because their answers for my questions will be what the whole video is about. What kind of fucking microphone should I get? Then the next question would be: how fucking much is it going to be for that microphone? I always find the answer, but I wish I could borrow a friend’s mic. Too bad I don’t know anyone with that type of equipment.
My voice has never been better, but now I am sad because smoking motita doesn’t help my voice at all. It fucks my whole vibrato up. If I want to record a song to upload to YouTube, then I would need to quit smoking for some weeks. I really love to smoke, but fuck I need to get my name out there already. There are so many singers that sing about weed, I wonder if they even smoke it. They probably did before, and don’t after. Fuck.
My bitching continues with my excitement for Pride! I really want to be ready for Pride weekend with two outfits I have in mind. I need to also work out, and I have the protein shake but no fucking time to work out. I have been working so much. I know it would be unhealthy if I tried fitting a five-mile run in between. Maybe right after work, but honestly it’s exhausting after a twelve-hour shift. I wonder how I plan to fit all of this in.
Summer is just right around the corner, and my iTunes library is being filled with a bunch of love songs so I wonder if those songs will play a part for me in the summer romances that are inevitable.
I had great talk with another gay man. He brought more clarification to me about my story. I explained to him the last three years of my life briefly to him, and his advice was similar to other advices I’ve gotten. However, I felt really comfortable because he knows other people that went through the same situation.
His advice was that it will take about five to six years to have my family dissolve my mother’s midlife crisis, and my experience of being homeless. To not stay away from them, but to focus on myself. They will always be there. I really cared about there perspective on me, but he told me not to worry about their perspectives. I even told him how I care for them that I want to be there for them, but then I remembered that I am over extending myself since I am only really able to support myself. I can understand why it is probably best to stay away for a while. I will still keep in touch, but I am tired of not getting anything back from my own family.
Then on top of everything I have my patients who I care for half of the week, every week. I pretty much mean half of my life now. I am still getting those patients that I am giving my love to. I cannot resist not to. I wouldn’t be able to do my job right if I couldn’t give my love. Right now I am having a lot of difficulty. One patient of mine is very young, and I have know that patient for more than four months. She is in passing, and I honestly feel that I am the closest one to her, and I am all she has. This one is going to be really tough for me. I want to visit even when I am not working just to see her. I’ve never experienced this before with someone so young. This experience seems too unreal. I cannot go in depth, but that will be for a book one day. I honestly don’t know how I am going to be when she passes. I am only trying to be present. Present with her, and most importantly present with myself. Isn’t that what I seem to be all about.
I am not sure how many hours I have been awake for, but now I have finished my third night shift this week. Now I have Saturday off starting at 7 AM, and then work tomorrow at 7AM. I really don’t have a day off. With this schedule, I don’t see how I can really do any of this. I am sure there’s a way. Anything is possible.
