Incurable Humanist

things are completely different

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:19:57 -0400

And I haven’t shared how I am doing in a while. Fuck. I haven’t worked in 2 months now. I got fired from my hospice job in February. Since then I have been going to school still, and doing absolutely shit with my all the free time I have. I feel like shit because of it. Many reasons to feel like shit in this situation. Loosing the job I loved, loosing the family of choice I saw every Sunday, loosing half my income. It was a huge loss, and I am still suffering from it. But I am now able to go to school full time, but in the fall. Right now I want an under the table job. But it’s so fucking hard. I need more money than what this unemployment is giving me. And I really don’t know what I have to do to earn more. It seems like no one needs a fucking personal care giver. I have already put up signs of being someone’s personal caregiver since I have 2 years of hospice experience. It’s kinda like a fucking privilege. Here’s money to pay for all your bills to live in the city, but not a cent more. I can’t do shit. I hate mooching off my friends. Right now I don’t have enough money to pay my rent, but I feel motivated to earn 200 by the 5th. Some how. Funny thing is I am about to spend 300 dollar on my sleeve tattoo today. I promised myself I would spend the security deposit I had from the Mission hell living situation. I know it’s probably not the most responsible thing to do, like buying 2 Bjork concert tickets, but I feel that I will remember this time and laugh.. Hopefully. I will figure it out. I always do.

tumblr I fucking miss you, life just keeps getting in the fucking way

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 05:38:37 -0500

Pictures & Writings

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 11:22:00 -0500

Dear followers and friends,

My pictures are for you to see my life. I want my friends and people that care for me to be able to have a glimpse of what I experince on the daily. I use to have a strong desire to share everything I see, but the reality is it’s impossible to share everything. That’s where my artistic side comes out. I am no professional photographer, just a boy who really wanted a Rebel Camera intentionally to shoot short films. After I raised up enough money after taking care of my first brain tumor patient I went to buy the camera of my dreams.

I try my hardest to take pictures of events in San Francisco, but there’s always the concern of how crazy this event is, and if my camera will survive, or if I will survive.. I also aspire to take videos of daly activities that go on in my life that seem so beautiful to me. When I am older I want to be able to remember the beauty of my youth, because I know nothing will the stay the same. Just how I recently realized my restlessness and lack of sleep is changing drastically as the 12 hour shifts become much more difficult.

The pictures always differ from happiness, beauty, to darkness and sadness. I want to remember that I suffered. Suffered as any other human being did on this planet. The struggles from the past, and the unnecessary people need to be remembered. So that mistakes will never repeat, and people who do not need to be in my life will stay out.

Now when it comes to writing there are many feelings. Trying to depict my feelings can be such a struggle. There are so many factors that matter when it comes to writing such as which mood I am feeling, am I alert enough to express the right feeling or meaning, whether or not I can even write about the experience due to the amount of pain. I find myself always trying to express what I am feeling, but there’s so much that’s going on it’s impossible to write about it all. But I try, and when I do finally finish a post I feel so accomplished. I have a lot of rough drafts of feelings I wanted to share, but then kept to myself due to the amount of harshness or if I felt there was any worth to sharing that feeling.

I am very honest when it comes to my post. I share a lot about myself. I feel that my tumblr blog is a representation of me, and I only want to share things about my life rather than my interest. It’s my blog, but it isn’t private. I don’t mind sharing my feelings with my friends, but these post are mainly for me.

I love it when my friends tell me they read my post, and I really love it when they tell me they like it or it was good. I don’t have many followers thank goodness, but I have some. So I hope everyone respects my posts as I respect everyone else’s individual tumblr blogs and their lives.

Thank you guys for following and joining along with me in my journey of life. I’ll keep posting pictures, writings, and some videos every now and then.

With much thought and love,

Edgar Ivan Haro

This Charming Man

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 04:34:51 -0500

“This man said it’s gruesome that someone so handsome should care.”

I want to believe this line is for me. I am always thinking about what am I doing wrong, when everyone tells me not to worry. I don’t always get what I want when it comes to dating guys so I worry about what could I be doing wrong that wouldn’t make me lovable. All my supporting friends tell me “it’s not you it’s him,” but I usually never consider that. I feel that I put myself out for a guy, and once all is shown I am left with how they treat me. Then the emotional unavailable come afoot or should I say vanish. I wonder if there is a connection between this desire for attention and love, and the pain from the abandonment of my parents during my junior year in high school.

Maybe I want to be loved so badly since my mother let me go so easily. I feel a deeper amount of pain when I am let go of. Todd has been talking about how I question my self value after dating a guy. But after so many, I’m sure I know what my value is worth. My job, my friends, my home, and now my family make me a very valuable person to the world. So I am learning to not be so sensitive with dating. However, those beautiful guys keep coming, and I am trying to not be impulsive for a real relationship needs time to develop. But oh how I feel like nothing is happening. There are possibilities, but I always want what I can not have. I can try to be friends.

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